Becoming a Better Caitlin

So when I started this blog 3 years ago I started it just to kinda keep a journal.  I just wanted to be able look back and see all the memories. The good and the bad. Just to see how much I've grown.  But I've noticed I didn't like keeping this public journal especially not for the bad stuff.  I am way too private a person for that.  Except now, I feel this strange desire to post and become a less guarded and private Caitlin with a fear of being judged.  Because I am human and I'm going to make mistakes and fail.  And all that matters is that I get back up and try again.  My friends and family will always be there and stand behind me.  

So I was thinking about last semester and how awful it was. There were so many nights where I just cried because I was so alone and miserable. Not that Brian isn't amazing but sometimes you just need girlfriends.  (DISCLAIMER: It was all my fault.) I didn't have any girlfriends up here or not any close ones.  Now that I am married it is weird hanging out with single friends.  Not that they aren't awesome but we are just in different stages of our lives.  I just never put myself out there because I felt awkward and lame.  I just wanted so badly to hang out with the "cool girls" at church but I felt lame.  Again, it was all my fault!  The girls in my relief society are great and super nice.  It was just my perspective.  I wanted to be acted upon instead of me acting.  

Also, it was totally my attitude about being here. I hated Rexburg and everything it stood for.  I hated coming to school up here.  I hated school.  Granted I had some great classes but I just didn't want to do it. I hated the "bubble" here and that every one is LDS.  I noticed myself feeling so antagonistic with the church. Again, not the churches fault because I know it was true.  It was more the way people here take things to extremes with the church. I feel like my attitude about here has since changed dramatically.

Anyways, I changed my attitude.  I stopped thinking about being done with Rexburg and thought more of enjoying it while I am here. Rexburg is small and sometimes I just want to get out but I've met some great people here.  People that I will miss when we are gone. I know am getting an amazing education here. And I'm so lucky to receive this education for pretty cheap.

I found this quote that is awesome. 

"Sometimes when things aren't going right. We think we need to get away from a place or person. Sometimes that helps, but most of the time what we need to get away from is our old self and our selfish feelings." ~John H. Groberg~

And that is what I plan on doing to become a better Caitlin.  I want to forget about my selfishness and be better.

Caitlin